A place inside me always knew that there was a paradox lying at the base of my existence.
However, whenever I started to examine this paradox, I would suffer an extreme feeling of discomfort that was commonly tagged with the word ‘anxiety’ and as an outcome, I quickly looked away.
The anxiety was triggered by the clear knowledge I carried that as soon as I did not turn away and hence look straight into this paradox’s eyes, most of my life, if not all of it, would become irrelevant.
Why?
Because at that moment, it will become completely clear to me how all the meaning that any aspect of my life bares is an outcome of my own creation. And when that is acknowledged fully, within an instant of a second, all meaning will lose all its impact, just like Cinderella’s carriage that returned to a pumpkin with mice at midnight.
I was scared, so I looked away. But still, I knew.
Like a person eating a scoop of ice cream in the dark in an environment with lots of bugs. He knows that he probably doesn’t eat only ice cream but prefers not to turn on a flashlight because he knows that once he sees the insects, he won’t be able to enjoy the ice cream anymore, so he continues to lick it in the dark.
The above metaphor represents how I lived for forty years.
Today, nine months since I started looking into the eyes of this paradox, I can say with certainty and ease that I do not have an iota of judgment towards that ‘Iris’ who was afraid and avoidant; Indeed the separation from all one has ever relate to as oneself, to the extent of identifying even only as a “human”, is without a doubt an experience that no words can describe. It is not a simple experience but at the same time, it is the simplest thing there is…
This time, unlike the “Iris” that I was, I have no assumption that everyone should look into the paradox at the base of their existence. On the contrary, just as I can understand the ‘Iris’ that I was and her continuous avoidance from looking at it, I also understand anyone who doesn’t go down this rabbit hole. Moreover, I will not recommend anyone to follow this path except those who are already fed up with everything the world has to offer; for they already have no choice but to go deeper, and forcibly they already know that any pain they will experience by going deeper, will anyhow only be replacing another pain.
As long as there is “hope”, it is not possible to look into the paradox’s eyes, because “hope” is one of the products of the paradox itself. And it is clear to me that for an ear that bares “hope”, this statement will cause a shock that will be accompanied by resistance. And for that, I have nothing to say except -breathe into the resistance, don’t be its slave, investigate it.
At some point along the way, I realized that I had unintentionally found myself in the process of reprogramming. Reprogramming all the software that has been embedded in me for forty years.
As soon as a person realizes that all he thinks he is, is actually a product of external patterns, premises, and assumptions that have been embedded in him, he also understands the mirror side of the same process: If something can be added, it also can be removed, for as long as something isn’t part of the essence, alternations can happen to it. Only the essence can never be touched. Creation and distraction are the two sides of the same coin.
I didn’t carry any intentional thoughts such as “I will now reprogram myself”. No, all that guided me was vigilance to identify patterns that are not part of ‘my’ essence and as a following step not taking any actions through them. Even at the cost of doing absolutely nothing.
And there is also the mantra.
The very act of repeating a mantra, any mantra, is a sort of statement one makes in front of oneself, for the choice of repeating a mantra cannot exist without the following premise – the mind is not part of the Self and therefore it is not part of the essential “I” which observes it.
After all, what reason can a person have to give up the close connection he has had all his life with the casual voice going on and on inside his head? Why on earth should anyone replace the voice referred to as “thoughts” that inhabit his mind with no pause as long as he is awake, with a repetition of meaningless words, unless one recognizes, truly, not theoretically, the infertility that any product of his mind holds.
Only at the above-described point of realization can a person stop taking all the nonsense that this mind farts all day long so seriously and be willing to replace it with a meaningless mantra which most likely will still be completer and more substantial than the words that fill the space of his consciousness when the mantra isn’t there.
So looking back, It turns out that the focus on preventing action from taking place through patterns alongside the mantra repetition are the two factors that started the reprogramming process I one day found myself in.
What am ‘I’ turning into?
No idea…for all ideas were left behind….
